Thinking back to the hay day of blogging. Back when most posts would generate some comments, and sometimes some meaningful discussion. I really loved the Utah Blogosphere and the debates that would happen.
I'm hitting 50 in the next couple of years, and I am starting to have some hard internal conversations.
What have I accomplished?
Have I left a mark on this world?
What do I want the last 20-50 years of my life to look like?
To the first question, I think I have to own my truth. Professionally I have accomplished nothing of any any lasting consequence, and I am okay with that. In one job interview in my early 20s, my simple mind answered the question "what are your goals for the next 5 years" with the simple phrase "to be happy". I have a good paying job with a great small business, and I have a good degree of respect there. Tis enough.
My goal of being happy has not been solidly accomplished (well what the view of happiness was for the 20+ year old version of me). The active participation in the church by family seems to be a part of my view of happiness that I need to release for the interim. My boys are both still nonverbal autistic young adults, and I will always be juggling working from home with providing care. This is not the easy version of happy that the early 20s version of me had in mind.
My accomplishments are a happy marriage. Rising every morning to the same hard things that were here the day before. It is not going to leave a mark on you, but it is an accomplishment to me.
To the second questions, I think the jury is still out on this. From this vantage point the answer looks like a no. However, I keep trying, I keep recalibrating, I keep working on what I can bring to the world. Yesterday, was not the day I blow up and today may not be the day either. As long as I keep trying each day, it is not over for me.
What do I want the last 20-50 years of my life to look like? I will be a care taker for two severely Autistic men everyday until I cannot rise to that task. I want to have the energy and the love to be kind to them every morning. However, it needs to be more than that. I want to help lift burdens from anyone like me.
What I write here may go ignored by the world at large, but it will be a monument to trying every day. A monument to daily growth.
